How to get a woman by zodiac sign

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Choosing a woman based on his zodiac sign might actually be a better predictor of your chemistry together. That’s right, imma about go all astrology nerd on you.

Aries woman

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1. Let her make decisions: Give her the feeling that she is the “authority”; however, don’t turn yourself into the “Yes, ma’am.” type of man

2. Approach her directly: When it comes to subtleties, make sure she will not understand the message. Tell her clearly what you want, without being too “accessible”, so let her enjoy “hunting”. She likes it!

3. Turn to emotions: Aries woman is very honest and will not hesitate to open her soul to a trustworthy person. She does not like to play with fire.

4. Do not try to “tie” her down: She dislikes bouts of jealousy, so if she feels constrained in any way, she will not go further with the relationship. She feels much better when is free. It does not mean she is not loyal.

5. Adrenaline: Take care to maintain an atmosphere where adrenaline is at its peak. She does not like monotony and gets bored very quickly if you don’t offer energy, enthusiasm, passion, and new challenges. Spontaneity is what she is looking for in a man.

Taurus woman

taurus woman

1. Start slowly: The golden rule when you’re around a Taurus woman: do not rush! Be patient and don’t disturb her pace. If she feels the rush, she will disappear as quickly as she had come into your life!

2. Take care of yourself: Although she is a pragmatic woman, she is looking for a romantic man, a man that looks good. Make sure you always have a neat and chic sense of style when it comes to clothes and accessories.

3. Not hard to get: If you claim that you’re a too hard nut, she will not try to smash it to find the real “you”. Do not attempt to make her jealous, because she will give up quickly.

4. Show her that you are trustable: She does not want to play with fire, so she needs a man she can rely on. Avoid last-minute changes.

5. Practical personality: Demonstrate her that you’re handy, you have a brilliant mind, you have a well-paid job, and you’re a great cook!

Gemini woman

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1. Many changes: She is looking for fun and she is attracted to anything new and different. You have to be creative, innovative, and constantly reinvent yourself.

2. Flirting: It is essential to flirt with a Gemini woman. However, she will win you over because she masters this art close to perfection.

3. Respect her privacy: If she feels like trying to impede her, she will beetle off. Do not rush, do not put pressure on her, nor show any signs that you’re jealous.

4. Talk: Gemini women like talkative men, with many friends. If you are shy or introverted, you’d better stay away of a Gemini woman.

5. Make her laugh: You don’t have to be “Prince Charming” to have a Gemini woman, but definitely you need to have an innate sense of humor. Do not bother to put on a fancy haircut, better learn new jokes that make her laugh.

Cancer woman

Cancer woman

1. Get hurt: If you want to win the heart of a Cancer woman, you have to behave as if you need help. She likes to give love and warmth to a soul in distress.

2. Examine the origins: Talk to her about her family origins. Family is very important for Cancer women, so you can ask her to show you pictures of her relatives, parents, etc.

3. Show her that you are a “home boy”: Cancer woman is dreaming of a house with garden, babies, and pets. If such description suits you too, show her that you are the family guy she is looking for.

4. Show love and care: Cancer women like men who know how to listen and to empathize with them. Be the man she can open her soul to, without fear of judgment.

5. Appreciate her values: She needs a loyal and faithful partner and you will never win if she suspects that you’re playing with fire. Be romantic and show that you appreciate her, and share the same values and principles in life.

Leo woman

Leo woman

1. Wheedle her: If you manage to convince her that she is the most wonderful woman in the world, means that you have won a great cue ball.

2. Let her be the “leader”: Do not expect her to be a submissive woman, on the contrary!

3. Be prepared for fun: Leo women are extrovert and like to socialize. Be always prepared for going out and for fun.

4. Be loving: Leo women like men who are devoted, affectionate, and eager to pamper. Beyond the Queen “packaging” they hide a sensitive soul, craving for love.

5. Make her a bit jealous: The competition is exciting for the Lion woman but do not let her think you are the kind of man ready to cheat on each and every occasion.

Virgo woman

Virgo woman

1. Ask for help: Take control of every situation, but do not forget to ask her for help and advice.

2. Take care of yourself: When you stand next to a Virgo woman, you should always be neat, tidy, have a nice haircut, and your shoes made clean. Any careless look means an instant rejection.

3. Less sense of humor: Virgo women do not like jokes, especially bad jokes. However, you jokes can be very sarcastic as they like fine ironies and mockeries.

4. Impress her with common sense: Virgo women like stylish men and the old-fashioned common sense. Pay attention to your language, do not seek an intercourse from the very first meeting.

5. Be patient: No matter how much the Virgo woman likes you, she will expect much longer, she will analyze you, and will decide whether or not you deserve her attention. Material safety is very important for Virgo women so that you can boast with your well-paid job. However do not throw money left and right because she likes thrifty men.

Libra woman

Libra woman

1. Let her make choices: She likes to flirt, to go out, and enjoy popularity. Do not force to pledge to you, let her make own decisions.

2. Be “extra” polite: You can take your mind off a Libra woman if you are rude, aggressive, quarrelsome, and garrulous. They love quiet men, to spend calm days next to them.

3. Listen to her: Libra women need romantic men who are good listeners. Be always next to her and be patient, because she likes to think and reconsider 100 times before making a decision.

4. Be always trim: Libra women like men who care about their look, who are clean, stylish, wearing tasteful accessories. Do not forget to compliment the way she looks.

5. Be her confidant: To seduce her, you first need to be her best friend. Turn yourself into her confidant, the man that she can trust most, and slowly she will want more than that.

Scorpio woman

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1. Be mysterious: Build a mysterious and intriguing self-image, so she will find you a fascinating man.

2. Tell the truth: If you’re caught lying, it’s pathetic. Do not forget, she will never forgive. Play fair with a Scorpio woman.

3. Do not be slack: The Scorpio women are attracted to men with high aspirations, and good workers. They hate to compel somebody to do something.

4. Do not be easy prey: Scorpio women like to “hunt”. So do not get “caught” immediately. Show her that you are interested, but do not hurry up to get in bed with her. And when you get there, make sure you’re the A1.

5. Never tell her what to do: When she has the slightest feeling that you want to take control, she will bolt out from your life. Do not tell her what to do, nor give advice!

Sagittarius woman

Sagittarius woman

1. Prove you have the sense of humor: Rule #1 to seduce a Sagittarius woman is to make her laugh! Not smile! Laugh out loud!

2. Be 100% honest: No matter what you mean, do not hide anything. Be honest! If you’re caught lying, it is almost impossible to regain confidence.

3. Call for her wisdom: Sagittarius women are attracted to men who ask for advice. They like talking about moral values, about life, about human purpose on earth, etc.

4. Flirt: Sagittarius women love one-night-stand affairs. Nothing is too much when flirting with a Sagittarius girl. If you have a colorful affair history, you can tell her. They definitely love men with a vast sexual experience.

5. Be positive: When you are upset and angry, she will find a reason to laugh and continue the life in a cheerful and optimistic way.

Capricorn woman

Capricorn woman

1. Be practical: To attract a Capricorn woman you have to demonstrate that you can be useful to her. They are extremely practical, realistic and ambitious, so are looking for men who can rely on in reaching their goals.

2. Show her that you are ambitious and hardworking: Capricorn women like ambitious men who want to succeed in life, in careers, men that focus on work. If you’re lazy, forget about the Capricorn woman.

3. Be proactive: the Capricorn woman is attracted to men who know what they do, making decisions, and acting immediately. However, expect that the “fight” for a Capricorn woman to take a long time.

4. Be sophisticated: Capricorn women do not like ridiculous situations, thus avoid “risky” comments. You can talk about finance, politics or the global economy. They love such discussions.

5. Do not rush: If you want to have a Capricorn woman, do not hit on her the very first night. Behave with dignity and respect.

Aquarius woman

Aquarius woman

1. Stare at her: To attract an Aquarius woman you must pay her with the due attention. Make her feel the heart of your universe.

2. Be her friend: Earn her trust as a friend first hand, if you want to have any chances to become her boyfriend later.

3. Give her the freedom she needs: The biggest mistake you can make with an Aquarius woman is to “imprison” her. She will run in the opposite direction at the slightest sign that you want to compel her to do something.

4. Avoid emotional topics: Aquarius women do not like men who handle their soul on a plate too easy. Avoid topics that are based on emotions and address pragmatic ones.

5. Make surprises: From time to time, make her a surprise: a romantic dinner, eating out, a trip away in the woods, etc.

Pisces woman

Pisces woman

1. Be romantic: Old fashioned, the Pisces woman love men who woo – bringing flowers tied with pink ribbon, and leaving love notes.

2. Invite her to play: The Pisces women are very childish, so there will never refuse an invitation to an amusement park with swings and pony rides.

3. Be loving: Pisces women love men who are good listeners, who are not afraid to reveal their feelings and vulnerabilities. No need to act as a hero if you want to hook up a Pisces woman.

4. Lift up her self-esteem: Pisces women do not excel when it comes to self-esteem, so take the advantage of any situation when you can compliment her: she looks good, the way she dressed up is great, etc. Do not go over too much, because she may give back.

5. Do not constrain: If you make her feel cornered, you failed; she panics and runs away. Try to be flexible and understanding.

Rishta – THE NIGHTMARE!‏

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Disclaimer: The facts mentioned/cited are anything but facts. The ideas matter though.

“Aunty ayi hen, rishta ley kay’, this statement is a lightening bolt thundering another ‘Nelofer’ approaching without consent, for a leisure trip down the memory lane, when ‘saas bhi kabhi bahu thi’. More like grocery shopping at Metro, where you scrutinize the ‘dairy products’ as per your budget and ‘needs’; the aunties, dressed to perfection, drop by and there the hunt-check starts. Oh, wait, what century am I referring to precisely speaking? B***h, you guessed it. 21st century! Where: Pakistan. Why: 1. Islamic Republic 2. That’s what has been happening so it’d better continue. 3. Sc*** all the reforms of every kind at every level, Rishta-Test Report qualifies more merit than a PhD. Plus, a female (human, of course) with a PhD is too old to take the test anyway. We have got our uncles, prone to tharak-syndrome, to take them, you know, as 3rd, 4th wife perhaps.

The Rishta-trend dates back to the origin of species, when Darwin – married b.t.w, claimed us originated from Apes, once saw a group of apes – females, heading towards another dwelling, all dressed in cool leaves and shi*. Soon, the leader ape (a she) came out stomping angrily, leaving the dwellers all sad and dismal behind. Darwin could guess, it must have been ’the Rishta-Audit’. The social custom, thence, was passed over from generations to generations, evolving as humans, physically only, with a few exceptions of brains may be. But the only keepers of the code-of-whatever-ship surviving in the 21st century could be found in an Asian society – let’s narrow down to ones in Pakistan for a better analysis.

In Pakistan, Rishta-Hunt functions as an autonomous, non-profit body, mediated by the match-makers around the globe, (don’t forget the aunties overseas), with an objective of finding a perfect match/soul mate for the men and women, beyond age, cast, creed. The definition of a perfect match, mutually agreed upon by the successful match-makers and aunties-next-door, goes like this: “Girl: educated – Doctor at least, beautiful – Deepika at least, Tall – Maria Sharapova at least, age – 20 at most, perfect cook – Gulzar at least, innocent but well-versed when required in domestic politics, and not to forget, Religious: Alhuda-qualified at least, Rich -apna-house, car, gold, etc. Male: rich, sexually-active, car, house.” This universally accepted definition has been drilled in the brains so deep that it can be claimed as a mindset malignant in its effects. Nevertheless, the chicks around would be wondering how to score considerable bands in RT -Rishta Test. Here are some of the Do’s and Don’ts for all the young-boisterous-processed females of our society. Don’t forget to thank me in the comments, just saying- Ba Dum Tuss*

To score 8.5-9 bands in the Rishta Test:

DO’S

1. Dress-up well:

Wear something trendy, with light make-up on, open hair if long, tied, only if oily, heels if short, more heels if tall. Yes, please perfume yourselves as you’d have to hug any of the counter-party members. No, not the guy. Not happening.

2. Keep Calm:

Keep calm as it ain’t a big-deal. Don’t get all heebie-jeebies-oh-my-god-I-am-being-rishtaofied in front of them. They like calm chicks.Your response during the scrutiny must be patient and yielding. If you looked up during the scrutiny and your eyes met theirs, Drat!

3. Smile – Nothing else turns those creeps on.

4. Serve them:

Ladies, you’d better learn how to pour tea in a cup, to perfection, like exactly proportionate to the desired standard. You spill tea in saucer, you are barred from the RT right away. No questions asked.

5. Talk to the Aunties only. Uncles are never supposed to be addressed or made a conversation with during the RT.

6. Excuse them during the conversation and leave. It’d testify your shyness.

DON’TS

1. Can you speak? Nay-Not Interested:

Wait, are you qualified, a Masters may be, from a renowned university with a 2 years work experience. “Ennnn- Wrong Answer -Neener-Neener- sad trombones playing.” DO NOT show that. Shush the damn mind. Play all dumb and gooey. And, yes, nod only – in affirmation mostly.

2. Don’t Eat:

Are you serious? Did Depika eat when Ranvir brought her proposal in the movie, Ram Leela? Or whenever they were making out and – sorry, got carried away. So, yes. DO NOT EAT a damn morsel.

3. Do not Laugh. LOL is prohibited, also LMAO, LMFAO, ROFL etc.

4. Don’t Look at the Guy!

‘Sluts’ do that. A death stare from your would-be saas would be imminent if you did so, followed by reprimanding gazes from your parents, siblings etc. Play shy.

5. Don’t Slouch. Straight back, head down. Nice, that’s more like it.

These RT-score indicators have been certified by the Royal Institute of Social Norms, Government of Pakistan.*

Now, the next time you are being tested. Get the dice rolling and watch the show as it’s a regretful custom which doesn’t have an end, and to the non-conformists, the soul-mate believers, the educated PhD-ies, Masters’ or working women, you ladies need to flee before the trumpet blows.

“10 ‘argh’ moments of tailor with Pakistani women”

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You’re a Pakistani woman and you’ve never made a trip to the tailor?

I find that hard to believe.

Whether it’s a job interview or a high school farewell party, tailors are the ones who can make every little occasion of a typical Pakistani woman’s life either completely miserable or an absolute

You stand in front of a full-length mirror and study your newly stitched dress like a hawk. You look at the loose side fittings and feel aghast. The long, loosely dangling sleeves feel out of place. You swear to yourself that the deep neck you see in your reflection was never your choice.

The ill-fitted chooridar seems like it’s on its way to growing into a palazzo.

You stand there for an hour – praying, cursing, contemplating and hoping for a miracle with your eyes closed. You hope that once you open them your dress will look beautiful, fit like a glove and be just like you imagined it to be. But when you open your eyes, what you see is your tiny self, drowning in an oversized sack.

You can ask any Pakistani woman about adventures with their tailors and trust me you will find that each one of them has a story or two to tell. They are all the same heart-breaking narratives of tailors destroying beautiful, expensive dress material and eventually being the primary reason of a special occasion being completely ruined.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    So here, ladies, I have recalled 10 moments that you have all been through with your beloved tailors:

1) The LOL moment

You have just dropped off your favourite unstitched jora at the tailor’s and have an unexplainable feeling of accomplishment wash over you. You explained every little detail with the utmost patience and intricacy, and you think, ‘everything will turn out just fine now’. Here, unfortunately, is where the LOL (Laugh Out Loud) moment steps in.

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My advice: Save up every ounce of energy you can spare. You will need it along with a whole new level of patience and sanity when he calls you to pick up the outfit. If nothing else, just laugh out loud – it happens to be the only thing you can do.

2) Copy cats? Nope.

You think you can pick out designs from a flashy, glossy magazine and expect your tailor to put up a replica of the dress you picked?

Aww, that’s really cute.

Copying even the simplest of designs will be met by this expression,

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And these comments,

“Baji, ye tu bohat muskil hai. Mein apko Kareena jesa design batata hun!”

(Madam, this one is really hard. Let me know show a Kareena-like design!)

“Baji, aap ye kia tasweer le ati he itni mehnat se? Aese kapray silay silai he le lia karen!”

(Madam, why do you bring such pictures with so much effort? You can get clothes like this ready-made!)

“Baji, apko aise design ki kia zaroorat hai? Aap tu wese bhi burkha pehnti hein!”

(Madam, we do you need such designs? You wear a burka anyway!)

3) Bargaining with the tailor? Ha!

So you successfully bargained the cost of stitching and are relieved to have finally brought the price down to what you deem is acceptable. A feeling of triumph engulfs you. Yes! This is it, this is my day.

Well, don’t start celebrating just yet because your tailor has other plans up his sleeve. You know how you are not supposed to tell the cook that the food tastes horrible for fear of him/her somehow corrupt the contents of your plate? Well, it’s pretty much the same rule with Pakistani tailors.

Now that you bargained, you are in for a treat.

He will make sure that every penny you save is well spent on the daily trips you will have to make in order to pick you dress up. You will keep hoping that today your dress will be ready…

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Remember: He, pretty much, always has the upper-hand.

4) Creativity at its best!

Pakistani tailors have a special quality, an innate belief that they are the world’s top designers. They have this zest for creativity which they are keen to show. They do this by converting shirt cloth into a shalwar and stitch the shalwar cloth into a shirt. They love doing this every time and take pride in this unique creativity.

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5)  World’s top… designer?

They love to surprise you with their so-called Deepak Perwani skills. They will play around with your dress, design it without your permission and when you breathe fire at them, all they can say is,

“Meri baji itna acha design koi bana hi nai sakta. Poora kapra khil gaya hae isse!”

(My madam, no one can make such a nice design. The entire outfit has bloomed!)

“Meri behan ap zara isko pehan kar bahar nikalana. Lahore ka poora traffic jam ho jai ga kasam se!”

(My sister, just wear this and get out of your house. The whole of Lahore will be in traffic jam, I swear!)

Loss-For-Words-Dean-On-Supernatural

6) Still waiting… 

Getting ready to pick your dress up from the tailor’s because he said it’ll be ready today?

Sweetheart, sit back down, make yourself a hot cup of tea and enjoy life.

These tailors live on their own planet where the clock works 10-15 days slower than ours. You might as well save that fuel from a useless roundtrip to the tailor and back. You will return empty-handed… again.

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7) The inevitable end-product

So you don’t believe your eyes when you see your dress ready and hanging at the tailor’s shop?

Trust me, don’t trust your eyes.

You’ll know why once you try it on at home and then run to the shop to kill your tailor for the wrong fitting.

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8) Reverse psychology 101

When your tailor is not sure about the design, he’ll say things like,

“Baji, meri manay tu yeh design banwa lein, apkay design se zayada acha lagay ga!”

(Madam, take my advice get this design made instead, this will look much nicer than the design you chose!)

Trust your guts on this one because he is mostly definitely telling you that he isn’t getting a word of what the hell you’re trying to explain or has no clue on how to make it. So if you want to spare yourself the heartache, tears and tantrums, either quit the design or the tailor. It’s not going to work out.

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9) What outfit?

You don’t want to end up on their bad side, don’t be too bossy or too dominating with your tailor. Chances are you might annoy him a great deal and you will be the only one suffering when he beats about the bush every time you ask him when your dress will be ready. Any question will be met by a calm

“Abhi toh tayaar nahi hai baji, kal aana”

(It isn’t ready today, madam. Come tomorrow)

Or, if worse comes to worst, your outfit will be a complete mess and when you question him you will get a taut reply saying,

“Baji, aap hi ne kaha tha aisa banao. Aur mujhe nahi pata”

(Madam, you were the one who asked for it, I don’t know anything else)

Dog-Smoking-a-Cigar-Chilling-Like-a-Boss-On-Tom-and-Jerry

10) Be thorough and specific about your details

Make sure you make him pen down every little detail pertaining to your outfit. You may have mentioned that the fabric needs to be shrunk before being stitched, but do not, for the love of God, assume that he will remember that! The only thing he remembers is that he has to stitch your dress. If you have given little trinkets to add to it, just remember to write it all down; he will forget. Don’t assume he will shrink it, put on laces, lining etcetera on his own. Make sure you give him every detail in written to avoid making your tailor trips any longer or more frequent.

And then maybe, just maybe, one day, he will surprise you and make you feel like the princess you are- savour that moment- it only comes once in a blue moon!

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I do admit though, not every tailor is all that bad but if you’re a Pakistani woman who loves designing her own clothes and wants a something different to wear, then you might have a tailor story or two to share with your friends over a cup of tea.

What if Batman was a Pakistani?

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Batman is a muscular and charismatic character, created by DC Comics , who has a large fan base and millions of followers. His mysterious moves and unique costumes have become a symbol of power. His persona demands reverence. In other words, he is probably one of the best action heroes ever created.

Now imagine, what would happen if our government decides to hire Batman for his ‘services’?

The increasing crime rates in Pakistan warrant a superhero, no doubt about that. However, would Batman be able to use his extraordinary powers to stop con artists and terrorists from creating more mayhem?

Do you think Batman would be happy in Pakistan? Do you think he would stop working in the United States?

The following reasons would probably throw light on why Batman would never be able to live in Pakistan, let alone fight crime effectively.

Issues with his Batmobile

If Batman was deployed on Kati Pahari  in Karachi to stop the blood-curdling criminals, for instance, the worst problem for him would be the roads leading to the crime scene. Since Kati Pahari is a mountainous area, Batman won’t be able to drive his smooth, highly maintained black Batmobile anywhere near there.

He would be forced to reach the place by foot, without most of his equipment (considering he is leaving the Batmobile behind and that has his gadgets).

Here’s to hoping that he doesn’t get shot on the way up.

kati-pahari

Trouble with his wardrobe

Pakistan is very warm country, especially when compared to the United States. Batman may have to stop wearing his skin-tight, leather pants and might have to switch to shalwar kameez or something more comfortable. Wearing black clothes, in this weather, all the time, will leave the hero drowning in his own sweat and in constant need of a change of clothes.

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Difficulty with his mask

Batman’s mask will never produce the same terror amongst criminals and terrorists in Pakistan, as it does in Gotham City. Many would think of him as a joke; someone they can bully and play around with.

For Pakistan, Batman will have to sacrifice his mask and switch to wearing a black turban, accompanied with a niqaab to hide his identity. Now that would definitely be scary.

How will he fight crime if most Batman’s time will be utilised dealing with his wardrobe malfunction?

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Pakistan’s sense of humour

The detrimental social-political scenario here has given us, Pakistanis, a somewhat questionable sense of humour. Disturbing incidents, that would normally make a person cringe in discomfort, are not taken as seriously as they should be because people are so used to them happening.

Therefore, a superhero in a bat costume will stand little chance against the witty Pakistani audience. Not only would he be not taken seriously, he will be made fun off with witty puns and a cunning sense of humour.

The Faisalabadis will have a field day on his expense.

To appear more serious, Batman will have to carry a pistol and a knife, visible to everyone, to show he means business.

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The Bat signal

Karachi does not have too many skyscrapers, unlike Gotham. The only ones we do have are the likes of Bank Al Habib’s head office and the Ocean Mall. I don’t see how either of those buildings would serve the purpose of accommodating the Bat signal  machine; the owners of these buildings would probably charge a phenomenal sum of money. But it wouldn’t just end there. Since the city is so big, we would need the Bat signal on almost every building within a 10 kilometre radius of the other. But then again, we don’t have that many skyscrapers. Do you see the conundrum?

In order to solve this, I thought about how he could overcome this little problem. And so, all I could come up with was Google maps. Batman would have to make use of Google maps to keep a check on the activities of Karachi – that is, of course, if he finds a good internet connection that doesn’t follow the government’s internet censorship policies; you never know, their next target may be Google maps.

bat-signal

Mobile phone theft

Mobile phone thefts happen almost every day, multiple times a day. If Batman focuses his energy on the multiple amount of petty street crimes that take place he will never be able to concentrate on any of the bigger issues!

Also, these thefts usually take place in different areas, far away from each other. It would take Batman ages to reach the crime scene. Also, if you remember: he can’t drive his ultra fast car everywhere in Karachi, so that’s another issue.

Hence, if someone is mugged in Liaquatabad  and the next victim is in Korangi, it would be impossible for Batman to reach both locations in time and if the muggers found out about this weakness, it wouldn’t take them very long to activate that sense of humour and start messing with  our superhero’s head.

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Fuel problems

I am sure Batman’s huge Batmobile consumes a lot of fuel. Batman won’t be able to afford fuel at such high prices in Pakistan. So, he would need to switch his car to CNG.

Now the problem is, almost every other day, there is a CNG strike . If Batman has to go on an emergency mission during a CNG strike, he would have to find some other mode of travel; I would have suggested the auto rickshaw but even that runs on gas.

Perhaps a donkey cart will be a more suitable option for Batman in Pakistan, and possibly the fastest.

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Health issues

Due to pollution and our spicy food, Batman will no longer be able to maintain a healthy lifestyle and hence, won’t be as strong as he needs to be. Indigestion may take over his life and we can’t have a superhero yell out during a fight,

“TWO MINUTES! I need to go to the bathroom first!”

pollution

Just like Raymond Davis  became addicted to naswar, I fear Batman might start taking a liking to gutka.

He could pretend he started this to just ‘blend in’ with the crowd but eventually he will get mouth cancer and die.

Therefore, Batman coming to Pakistan would be a very bad idea. Not only will he not be able to help Pakistan with its crime and security issues, he will also lose his health, be ridiculed for his costume and mask and die in the process. DC Comic’s and Gotham’s finest should not go through such a mistreatment.

It’s Not Street Harassment, Women; It’s How Pakistani Men Flirt

Pakistan-men-flirt

We know that street harassment is dangerous. It’s frightening for a young woman, alone, to be approached, followed and often shouted at by a strange man. Most of the time street harassment ends there, but we can never forget that for some women it continuous to become something more harrowing. The fear environment created through street harassment is enough to warrant the complete and utter end of it.

But for most of us, it’s just a constant reminder that women objects for men (at the very least in this case, these particular street harassers) to gawp at, to pass judgment on, and to own. And from the constant badgering with street harassment I noticed something interesting: that every Pakistani man has been looking at the same flirting-how-to-guide for the last 50 years.

I decided to consolidate the particular flirting styles that seem so unique to us and our culture and “analyse” them. Here are the Top 5:

(1) The Serenade

Music is such sweet joy, and every girl loves hearing a gorgeous pre-historic ballad sung horribly out of tune with such commendable enthusiasm.

I’ve now realised why Pakistani men feel the need to screech sing when they see yet another shy, beautiful raven-haired girl of their dream walk by while they loiter – it’s to demonstrate that their singing abilities will make them fine marriage partners. Their phenomenal vocal cords help make it easier for you to overlook the part-time mobile phone shop job and look at the bang-on-trend vintage maroon corduroy jacket from 1984 for what it really is –

Singing is a Pakistani Man’s expression of poetry, of love, of his desire. He wants to show you that you are so beautiful, and as the only that matters and the only thing that he has taken note of, that your beauty has made him stumble over as a fool in public. He is singing and he doesn’t care. You have to love him now, and make the parathas that his mum used to make for lunch.

(2) The First Meet Marriage Proposal

The gentleman who employs this particular style is the most manliest and thus most desirable, because he has the balls to actually say some words to you that don’t involve any kind of falsetto. Most of the time they will be vulgar and make you incredibly uncomfortable as you walk away. But then he says the four magic words that will let you know that his true intentions aren’t those horrible things he was shouting at the back of your head as you walked right on by him:

“Sister, you married yeah?”
Oh he wants to know I’m married. I wonder why.
“You got husband?”
Oh no kind sir, I do not. Shame on me, no one will love me. I am an old spinster.
“I will marry you sister!”
Oh thank you, thank you! You saved me from the shame of being an unwed 19 year old. Thank you! Do you want your parathas now or in the morning?

(3) The Death Stare

This is Stealth Flirting basics. The wonderful man who employs this tactic knows that you have physical boundaries that he cannot cross in this public space without your permission. He lets you know of his poetic longing by longingly looking at you full of all the unblinking, terrifying love that he has for your boobs you from the moment you walked by him.

This man is demonstrating his spirituality to you, he’s waiting for you behind your car in a plane of beautiful spiritual existence that only the two of you share when your eyes lock. He knows the value of the deep oceanic world full of love for you and your beauty, hidden away behind his eyes and he wants you to see it, to understand it, to swim in it with him.

Recent official scientific studies have shown that the eyes are the gateway to the soul, and he’s baring you his. Aren’t you a lucky girl?

(4) The Follower

This is the most dedicated flirt. He will follow you to the ends of the earth, literally, whether you want him to or not. He’s so dedicated and passionate about you that even when you cross the road, duck into random shops or board that bus that takes you to the opposite side of town, he will still be there. Even when you call the police, get a restraining order, block his heavy breathing phone calls, he will be there.

He is demonstrating that he will be there for you. That you are so beautiful that he needs to be around you all the time. That he is patient and psychotic persistant. He is waiting until you are ready to love him. And he knows he can only do that if he’s always there where you are. Eventually you will give up this game of hard-to-get, because really women don’t have the right to say no.

(5) Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch Me

This is Advanced Stealth Flirting, this man is a genius. He is the man who will sit next to you and subtly spread his legs as men do when they sit to let you know about his overpowering masculinity, the size of his genitals and most importantly, to seductively rub his bony knee against your soft, womanly one.

When your knees will touch, there will be an electrifying shock between you two, and he will feel it and you will not feel it. The physical nature of this interaction will make you desire him, and you for once will see how desirable he is. You have of course, never been touched by a man before in your pure, white, infantilised virginal state, and this touch has awaked you.

You cannot live without him now that he has touched you with his unwashed, chilli sauce stained fake Armani jeans. You can run but you can’t ever forget the feeling of pure sexual energy pulsating in your knee.

New Cuss/Swear Word Alternatives

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Today, swearing is a completely different animal. In Martin Scorsese’s recently released “The Wolf of Wall Street,” for example, the word “fuck” is used 506 times during the film’s 180-minute running time, setting an all-time record for the use of the f-word. children are learning

When I was young, I felt sheepish the first time I said the word “sexy” around my parents. Today, research shows that children are learning to swear at very young ages.

If you have children, or are around them on a daily basis, or even at work or school, you know how hard it is to come up with creative alternatives to cussing. Here is a list of 100 great words and phrases that you can use instead of swearing! Feel free to to use any of these with your own kids add your best words and phrases to the list!

  1. Shnookerdookies!
  2. Fudge nuggets!
  3. Snickerdoodle!
  4. Fiddle Sticks!
  5. Jiminy Crickets!
  6. Son of a Gun!
  7. Egad!
  8. Merlin’s pants!
  9. Shucks!
  10. Darn!
  11. Dagnabbit!
  12. Dang Rabbit!
  13. Dadgummit!
  14. Jumpin’Jiminy!
  15. Gee Whilickers!
  16. Gee Whiz!
  17. Cheese Whiz!
  18. Son of a Monkey!
  19. Son of a Bucket!
  20. William Shatner!
  21. Son of a Motherless Goat!
  22. Shut the Front Door!
  23. Horse Pucky!
  24. Sufferin’ Succotash!
  25. Son of a Mother Trucker!
  26. Fudge Berries!
  27. Geez Terwilligers!
  28. Mothersmucker!
  29. Cornnuts!
  30. Poo on a stick!
  31. Jerk Water!
  32. Dillweed!
  33. Oh Snap!
  34. Fraggle Rock!
  35. Bull Spit!
  36. Scuddle Butt!
  37. Shuzzbutt!
  38. Son of a Biscuit!
  39. Leapin’ Lizards!
  40. Peanut Butter and Jelly!
  41. Drat!
  42. Mother of Pearl!
  43. Fart Knocker!
  44. Hobknocker!
  45. Pokemon!
  46. What the Frog!
  47. Kitty Whiskers!
  48. Eat Soap!
  49. Eat Slugs!
  50. Go Lick a Duck!
  51. For Pete’s Sake!
  52. I Don’t Give a Donald Duck!
  53. Pluck it!
  54. Yuck Fou!
  55. Aww, Noodles!
  56. Hamburgers!
  57. Fishsticks!
  58. Frack!
  59. Jumpin’ Jehosephat!
  60. What the Cuss!
  61. Narf!
  62. Shitake Mushrooms!
  63. Son of a Nutcracker!
  64. Holy Frijoles!
  65. Pluck a Duck!
  66. Nut Bunnies!
  67. Crud!
  68. Pigs in a Blanket!
  69. Smurf It!
  70. Dragon Ball Z!
  71. Grizzle!
  72. Son of a Bleep!
  73. Bangkok!
  74. What the Gummy!
  75. Gobbledygook!
  76. Jabberwockies!
  77. Son of a Squeegee!
  78. What in the Blue Blazes!
  79. Trouty Mouth!
  80. Sticky Wickett!
  81. Fairy Godmother!
  82. Blurg!
  83. Lord, Love a Duck!
  84. Son of a Turkey Fart!
  85. Justin Bieber!
  86. Snot Buckets!
  87. Tabernacle!
  88. Pumpernickel!
  89. Frazzle Fart!
  90. Sweet Niblets!
  91. Oh My Stars and Garters!
  92. Holy Kachow!
  93. Holy Rusted Metal Batman!
  94. Hot Diggity!
  95. Monkey Flunker!
  96. Shamalama!
  97. Mother Hubbard!
  98. Donald Trump Hair!
  99. Holy Shnikies!
  100. Shtuff!

They just skim the surface. Sift through the entire log here and use them in your next verbal spat (there are lots of animals and “mothers” thrown around)  

Where Have all The Good Guys Gone?

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If had a quarter for every time I heard:

“There are no more good men.”

“Chivalry is dead.”

“Why can’t I just meet a good man?”

“Why do all the men I meet just want to have sex?”

I would be a very rich man.

So where are all the good men?

E V E R Y W H E R E.

Women always seem to ask me where all the good men are, as if these near-mythical dudes are hiding behind bushes, chained up in some vampire’s basement, or are just rare and elusive, like the snow leopard. Normally, I have to resist responding, “Maybe the good guys are just avoiding you.” But the answer to this frequent, lovelorn lament is simple: The good men are right under your nose. And that’s the damn truth.

That’s right, ladies. The good men you pine for are right there, all up in your grill, listening to your bellyaching, patiently enduring your inability to manage your own flamboyant, capricious romantic expectations and dreary reality. These good guys are co-workers, classmates, and, most importantly, friends. You officially have my permission as a relationship expert with a Ph.D. in Broken Hearts from the University of Feelings, Emoburg campus, to fall in love with your male friends.

I blame your gender, after all, for inventing what this site refers to as “The Friend Zone.” It’s not a “zone.” One loses weight in a “zone,” or tells time there. Or learns a dark lesson about human nature during a twist ending. No. “The Friend Zone” is actually a gulag. The Bermuda Triangle. A cruel little exile. Right now, there is a man in your life who feels you in his teeth, but who walks around with an “F” for “Friend” seared onto his forehead by a glowing-red iron you keep perpetually cooking in the furnace of your heart. You cannot think of him “that way.” At what point did he go from potential dating material to platonic bestie? Possibly the moment he started remembering your favorite movie, instant messaging you about “Mad Men,” and listening to you drone on about your thighs, again. Because love is intently listening to someone repeat herself.

This dude adores you and you are denying yourself potential joy because of some imaginary rule. The heart is a frontier full of peril and plunder, and you should not be afraid to explore what lies beyond hastily built fences.
I’m not saying men and women can’t be friends. We totally can. I won’t confirm the famous lesson from “When Harry Met Sally,” which remains smug Baby Boomer treacle. Life is too short to be afraid of ruining a friendship, especially if there’s a chance you could be more to one another, like epically cosmic lovers worthy of your own constellation in the night sky. Friendships are as fluid as romances; they can end as suddenly as they can begin. In many ways, they’re overrated. You know what’s not overrated? Love. It’s awesome.

We’re talking about the meaning of life here. And it’s to find someone whom you can grow old, fat, and ugly with. Our romantic rituals revolve around complete strangers negotiating for a kiss, then attempting to become friends. It’s as if our society demands there’s a dating you and a real you, and a relationship happens when two people agree to abandon the mutual lie. Cut to the chase. Friends already know how to play, laugh, and forgive each other.

Let me open by stating that men and women can be friends. That issue, as far as I am concerned, is dead. However, you will find that women typically dictate the course of these “friendships.” Telling a man who likes you as more than a friend that you see him as “just a friend” is the most offensive thing you can say to him next to “I’ve had better” or asking “Is it in, yet?”

I know you’re saying “I have 10 or 20+ male platonic friends.” But, do you really? Does he call you only to talk (about conversations that have nothing to do with xes)? Does he even know/remember your birthday? Do you talk just as consistently even when you are both in committed relationships? If you answered “no” to any of these questions, then are you two really that good of friends or is he bidding his time until there’s a prison break and/or are you simply using your BFF until the next BF comes along? Be honest, is your “platonic friend” imprisoned in The Friend Zone by choice or mandate?